Just a few years ago, I was married. My husband and I were digging deep into our faith and growing closer to God and each other. Our Sweet V was little and the Bonus was in middle school. We were trying to live life God’s way. Clinging to His promises and truth we believed that we would eventually overcome the struggles in our careers and co-parenting with a family whose expectations for life and family were much different than ours for a child we shared. In the midst of the storm, we were holding on to the promises of God and the love of Jesus.
Every time we heard the song Oceans, we were brought to tears and also a moment to build our strength. “Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders.” Well, we were in a space of life where we had to trust that He was going to help us keep a son from legally being allowed to move thousands of miles away….without the help of us having a lawyer, because that was not in our budget. And He did. He came through and kept His promise and we won that court case. But someone else kept a promise too. A person who promised to make my husband’s life hell if the court didn’t provide the desired outcome.
Sadly, the enemy used this life circumstance to attack us hard. Our marriage began to crumble a few months later. The hubs got so angry at God and not understanding how we could feel His spirit and confidence that we would overcome this obstacle only to have our family shattered. The sadness and disappointment felt by a father who fought so hard for his son only to lose him in the end was too much. I tried to keep faith and believe that all things work together for His good and be strong for my hubby. I prayed and journaled and prayed and journaled seeking strength and wisdom to keep holding onto my husband and marriage and keep moving forward through this grief while regular old life kept happening all around us. But after a long time, I realized the only one holding on was me. I don’t need to give the details of the collapse, but I begged God for a very long, dark time for strength to keep gripping the thread that bound my husband and I, and then I heard Him say let go. You have to love Me more than you love your husband and marriage.
So I let go. Devastated. Defeated. Depressed.
I had peace for a few seconds and trusted God for a few minutes, until I became angry at Him for not answering the prayer to save my marriage. Angry He didn’t give my husband enough strength to overcome his grief and disappointment in the circumstances of life. Angry that I had encouraged so many to keep pursuing strength to grow as a wife and now I didn’t get to be one. Angry He didn’t make me strong enough to keep hanging on. Angry that everything I considered a blessing in my life was being stripped away, one at a time. And now in this uncertainty, He wasn’t giving me the answers or solutions to all of the many obstacles I was now going to have to face in the world without my person. I prayed so many unanswered prayers, so how can I trust that my prayers to get me through this next chapter were going to be answered?
That doubt has drawn me toward comfortable and easy and avoidance. I have wanted to believe that some of the people and situations placed before me were my answers. But deep down I know I was made to do the hard work and I KNOW He will get me through it without me compromising my principles and faith.
Divorced, about to close on the sale of the house I have called home for 10 years that holds so many memories of love, and I have no idea what my next step is. The enemy keeps trying to remind me that fear controls me. As I stand here on a snow day making pancakes for my Sweet V, I felt an intense fear creep in. Then four songs in a row played on my Pandora station to remind me that God’s got this.
At a moment I was about to let worry and anxiety rule me on a surprise day off, God sent me a message not to worry.
Tears streaming down my face as I flipped a pancake, I remembered He is in control. He’s not going to let me go. I am once again in a place where my trust has to be without borders. He is calling me out upon the waters into a great unknown but His mercy and grace will prevail in my life. Peace is pushing out fear.
No matter where I end up next, you can bet I’ll be doing my best to make it a love filled home.
Keep the faith through whatever struggle you may be facing. God’s not finished with us yet.